The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
