I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
