this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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