Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
