My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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