you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
