Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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