I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
