I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
