I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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