U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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