I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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