i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
