I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
