she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
