I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
