so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
