whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
