Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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