I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
