here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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