I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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