you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
