You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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