upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
