Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
