He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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