flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
