i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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