Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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