the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
