did you get engaged???
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
