We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
