It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
