She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
