I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
