I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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