I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
