Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
