I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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