The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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