She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
