i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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