I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
