I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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