Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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