Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
