Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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