ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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