I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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